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Aug 1, 2018

How to cope when your partners buy a house and consider adopting a teenager with little to no input from you.

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit

1:00 Host chat

  • Thanks toMiss Fisher Con 2018 for hosting us. You should sign up for next year’s mailing list!
  • Listen to episode 558 to find out more about our sex-positive panel at Miss Fisher Con 2018 and more about the event itself.

2:00 My partners are making life decisions without me

A listener wrote in to ask what to do. He is a queer male in a quad. Seven years ago, he and his partner T moved to be in the same city as W and E. They had talked off and on about cohabitation, and recently W and E decided to get a bigger house that would accommodate the four of them. W and E decided on budget and location and showed their final choice to our letter writer and his partner, which left him feeling excluded from the decision-making process. Later on, he asked about some jokes W and E were making, and it turns out they were considering adopting a teenager, which until recently would have been a deal-breaker for him. He shut down and curled into a ball. He wants to confront them, but he fears losing the relationship.

  • It’s helpful not to think of this as a confrontation but instead a transparency session where everyone gets to say what they think and feel in a safe space.
  • Focus on behaviors, not on assumptions about what those behaviors might mean. When you were bothered by your perception that W and E thought that the final home tour would be sufficient, own that you are talking about perceptions instead of actual communication.
  • Own your own sh*t and ask for what you want. You never indicated that you actually told them how and when or even that you wanted to be involved in the home-buying process—it’s your job to ask for that participation in so many words.
  • Assume goodwill all around. If you haven’t specified what you want, it’s best to assume others’ intentions are good.
  • This is a great time to begin the habit of full disclosure. Communicate early and often. State expectations expressly instead of keeping them to yourself.

16:30 Happy Poly Moment

Alan writes in about trying poly because his wife wanted to date an old college boyfriend. He found a special friend at a poly event and they spent a lovely weekend together during which he got to meet his metamours and had a fun poly family experience.

18:30 Thank you!

Welcome to Tara, Christopher, Katherine, Nicola, Kerry, Elizabeth, Tony, and Heidi as new Poly Weekly Playmates!

19:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email

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