Preview Mode Links will not work in preview mode

For the full collection of poly resources, including reading lists, books by Minx and Lusty Guy, online poly courses and poly FAQs, visit

May 29, 2018

A listener writes in to ask why she was surprised with her partner's dating someone else, even with shared calendars.

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit

1:00 Host chat

The Netflix Party Chrome plugin lets you watch the same Netflix show simultaneously at different locations, and it has a chat feature!

3:00 Are shared calendars enough?

A listener is in a closed triad of eight months, joining a married couple (D and Y) of eight years in everyone’s first poly relationship. They only started sharing calendars two weeks ago, and our listener saw a date night on their shared calendar on our listener’s regular Friday date night. It turns out it was a couple D and Y had met previously, decided to have drinks with, and decided not to invite our listener. Our listener felt surprised and wanted to know how to handle scheduling with multiple partners.

  • It’s not unusual to feel bad about having someone else’s date night sprung on them as a surprise. Calendars are no substitute for communication.
  • Since you just started sharing calendars, let’s assume goodwill all around and chalk it up to a communication glitch. D and Y might just have fallen into their old couple communications patterns. Minx has had a hard time breaking her solo-poly decision-making patterns, so let’s take this as an opportunity to address a habit that might need to change.
  • Never assume; always ask.
  • If you want a standing date night, ask for it explicitly and ask for how you want it changed when changes are necessary.
  • Calendar changes are great opportunities to do relationship check-ins to see how everyone is feeling about the current relationships.
  • You get to have a say in dates and relationships that affect you. The Relationship Bill of Rights.
  • It’s generally better to give someone the option to say no rather than to assume the answer would be no and not invite them.

13:45 Happy poly moment

Natalie writes in with an adorable happy poly moment about her anniversary!

16:15 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”